I! Made! Her! Up! In! My! Mind!

Meow Wolf. Denver, CO, 2022.

i stared at her when she wasn't looking at me. when she would glance in my direction, i'd immediately drop my eyes to the floor. i'd count the stones embedded in the concrete and only when i was finished did i allow myself to look back up.

i loved the way she stood. the energy she radiated. i soaked it in. it was all butterflies.

i thought about how cool she must be. she looked like she belonged on tv. she seemed so put together—the kind of person who just knew what they were doing with their life. you know?

i imagined conversations with her would be effortless. i imagined her eyes resting on my lips while i talked to her.

i decided she was probably a stoner. that she had a cool apartment she lived in by herself. maybe a vegan who fought for animals. maybe she djed on her laptop in her spare time. i could picture her riding a bike to work because she cared about the environment with stickers on it that would say things like "fuck the government." i smiled at the idea of her drinking tea out of a ceramic mug she made in a pottery class in the mornings. i imagined that she was someone that looked at people and listened to them fully with intention. i imagined people leaving every interaction with her feeling more chill than they initially had.

i imagined she didn't fall in love often, but when she did, it was passionate and intense. i imagined she liked to fuck hard. my favorite.

i wondered what her laugh might sound like, knowing only that her speaking voice was slightly deeper. what her arms might feel like wrapped around my body. i imagined her loving me. i imagined tattooing her name on my chest—what was her name??

and as she leaned back against the low wall, both arms stretched behind her across the ledge. i felt clumsy. my knees threatened to give out. i'd thought about how i'd die to have been at her feet looking up at her like that.

she was everything i wanted. more than that. i prayed for her, asked the universe to send me her.

and then i heard her laugh as she pulled away from the wall. it didn't sound the way it had in my fantasy world. it sounded higher. brighter. softer? everything about her changed the second she pulled away from that wall.

I! Made! Her! Up! In! My! Mind!

i shook my head as if that would somehow remove the pretend person i had just conjured—has it been two? maybe three minutes?

and now i had to let her go. i didn't want to. i wanted to hold onto this delusion—this person i perfectly curated that wanted me back.

but she wasn't real. it wasn't her. not the person i had fallen for.

she was a mirage. a trick. a projection. the universe reminding me to stay awake. to pay attention. to stop romanticizing who i imagine people are and become curious about who they really were.

her laugh. it was her laugh.

so i left. i would try my best to forget her.

well not her, forget her.

i felt tears come to my eyes with the realization. i lost a girl i made up in my mind.

and how do you even begin to mourn that?