Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy—Jessica Fern

One of my therapists recommended Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern when I found myself in my first poly relationship. While I had heard it was highly regarded in the polyamorous community, I couldn't help but feel indifferent about the book's overall message.

The book begins with attachment styles and goes into the topic much more deeply than Amir Levine and Rachel Heller's Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Find—and Keep—Love. I'm always intrigued by research regarding attachment styles, so this was easily my favorite section of the book.

I've generally had a secure attachment style, but as Fern points out, some with a secure base can still be pulled into anxious or avoidant patterns depending on the relationship they find themselves in. I've experienced both sides of that in different stages of my life.

What I love about books like this is how they prompt me to see parts of myself I might not have fully recognized before.

Fern writes, "I make a distinction between the internal fearful-avoidant and the external fearful-avoidant. In the category of internal fearful-avoidant, we find people who, when under stress or threat, are triggered into higher anxiety and have the internal disorganized experience of wanting connection and wanting to move closer to someone, yet simultaneously feeling an inner pull back, believing the connection to be unsafe. However, such people do not act this dynamic out in ways that are destructive to themselves or others. The experience is more internally disruptive than externally damaging. (Fern, 49)

Reading that, I realized how often I've managed to appear secure in relationships, even while internally I was thrashing around with doubt and fear.

Up until I was about 25, I identified much more with the anxious attachment style. Then I met someone who challenged me which resulted in me leaning in a more avoidant direction, but in the long run, those challenges helped me move into a truly secure place. And let me just say: it feels so good to get there.

Fern continues a bit later on page 49, stating, "A person with a fearful-avoidant attachment style who has been engaging in healing work that is moving them towards more secure functioning may initially develop less external reactivity while still experiencing an inner "push/pull" dynamic. The process of resolving their trauma may have enabled them to now choose differently with how they externally respond." (Fern, 49-50)

This is where Fern read ME like a book. It perfectly captured my experiences: I realized the way I had begun to handle most things with my partner externally was secure. Outwardly, I was calm and thoughtful. Inwardly, I was constantly wincing at the idea of fully trusting them, afraid the dynamic would ultimately lead to loss or hurt and I "frequently experienced the conflicting internal drives of wanting to be close and share myself but fearing the closeness or vulnerability would be dangerous or cause the relationship to end." (Fern, 51). Having language for that pattern felt eye opening and for that reason alone, I would recommend part one of this book.

I haven't always felt that way in every relationship I've been in. It's been a new addition as I've gotten older. It especially jumped out in the relationship that challenged me and for its own reasons. It felt like a constant battle of putting out secure energy, speaking in healthy ways, working hard to be rational about almost anything and while it wasn't hard because I DO feel those ways, it felt like I was also off in a corner drowning in the constant fear that I would share all of these parts of me with someone I didn't trust to stick around.

Fern sums it up perfectly, "Under certain circumstances, I experience internal anxiety, feel mentally preoccupied with relational dynamics and have emotional flare-ups in response to the slightest signal that a partner is withdrawing or low in ability to be present and attuned. But externally, I was more likely to withdraw, play it cool, and take the self-reliant route. My reaction could go unnoticed or be seen as me pulling in and withdrawing, but internally I was thrashing around, getting emotional whiplash from the "one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake" experience." (Fern, 59)

It felt amazing to have this realization that I was doing exactly that. I hadn't even thought about those experiences. I consistently had this "play it cool" attitude in the relationship I've been mentioning. There was so much information in part one and it felt comforting to know more about the parts of me I tend to push down inside of myself.

However, part two is when Fern lost me. While I understand that a psychological self-help book needs to present some sort of argument, I grew frustrated with how much of her case relied on tearing down monogamy. Most of my relationships have been monogamous, some not, but her dismissal of monogamy did not make for a compelling or fair argument. Many of the examples she used were simply depictions of unhealthy monogamous relationships which made the critique feel skewed. I picked up this book hoping to learn more about polyamory itself: its challenges, its rewards, and how people navigate the transition into that world successfully. Instead, the focus often seemed to be on framing polyamory as inherently superior to monogamy, which felt less like guidance and more like a hierarchy I hadn't signed up for. By the end of part two, I wasn't enlightened, I was annoyed.

Still, there were bright spots. I appreciate Fern's explanation of the different forms of consensual non monogamy. I mostly consider myself to be monogamous, I enjoy being in a relationship with one person at a time. I love the idea of it being just me and my best friend sharing a life together. That's not to say open relationships and polyamory haven't piqued my interest and once I had an idea of how things worked, I realized neither were for me in reality and unfortunately so! I find those relationships to be exciting and interesting and have no negative thought on those practices.

I did learn a new term that I hadn't ever heard before that I related to most of all: "monogamish." It refers to couples who are mostly engaged in extra-relational physical relationships. So we're talking exceptions like occasional one-time hookups, "hall passes," encounters while traveling apart, etc. Truly that's up to the individual couple. I have always felt and thought this way in regards to relationships, even since I was a teenager. That concept clicked with me in a way polyamory never quite did. I've always leaned monogamous, but the nuance of "monogamish" finally gave me language for something I've felt for years. I can thank Fern for explaining this concept to me and now having the tools in finding a way to navigate this in my future relationships.

In part three, she discusses developing a "polysecure" mindset, focusing on personal growth and relationships. I found that a lot of what she presented could fit into any and every relationship. Here she mentions how to be a safe haven for one another or being a secure base for each other—maybe both, expressing our feelings with one another, and feeling happy for our partner's accomplishments or for their other connections in their life.

All in all, I think Polysecure has real value, especially for those interested in exploring their attachment style. But it wasn't the book I was looking for in terms of understanding polyamory itself. For that, I would recommend readers instead to The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy: Your Guide to Open Relationships, Polyamory and Letting Go by Lola Phoenix. If a friend came to me curious about polyamory, or even "monogamish" arrangements, that's the book I'd recommend.

When it comes to love, are we all trying to find the language that finally makes us feel at home?

Books I've read:

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, 304 pages.

• Getting Past Your Break Up: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott, 272 pages.

• Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern, 288 pages.

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab, 304 pages.

• The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy: Your Guide to Open Relationships, Polyamory and Letting Go by Lola Phoenix, 208 pages.

  
  

  Books I'm reading now:

• I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman with Hal Straus, 336 pages.

• The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz, 160 pages.

• The Perfectionist Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power by Katherine Morgan Schafler, 323 pages. Click the link to read my thoughts on Schafler's book.

My book queue:

• Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot by Mikki Kendall, 288 pages.

• Don't F*cking Panic: The Shit They Don't Tell You in Therapy about Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks and Depression by Kelsey Darragh, 368 pages.

• Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T.T. Mason MS and Randi Kreger, 280 pages.

• Supporting Someone Polyamorous: FAQs About Non-Monogamy and Allyship for Family, Friends and Loved Ones by Lola Phoenix, 171 pages.

• The Art of Letting Go: How to Let Go of the Past, Look Forward to the Future, and Finally Enjoy the Emotional Freedom You Deserve! by Damon Zahariades, 194 pages.

• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van del Kolk M.D., 464 pages.

• The Cure for Emotional Unavailability: Discover the Source of Emotional Unavailability Heal and Have Positive, Successful Relationships by Stella Smith, 146 pages.

Citations:

Fern, Jessica. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Portland, OR: Thorntree Press, 2020.